Last Saturday morning we got hit with a text, “Melbourne, wake up, let’s do this! Meet me at Smith & Plummer, Port Melbourne from 5pm, shit’s gonna get weird! – Alison Wonderland“.
The corner of Smith St and Plummer St turned out to be a giant warehouse, surprise!
Like wine to cheese, she matched the music to the environment. Alison’s usual set is pretty standard party track after party track, but this time around it was much more bass rave driven, with her own album tracks like “Run” and “U Don’t Know” being crowd faves.
However, we don’t want to bore you with the conventional details. As it often is, the event itself is alright, but the people at the event are the intriguing factor. So read on for the 10 types of people we met at at this year’s Wonderland Warehouse Project.
1. BITCHES ON SHOULDERS
You know this bitch. We all know this bitch. We all collectively fucking hate this bitch.
“OH MAH GAWD I CAN’T SEE. CAN YOU PUT ME ON YOUR SHOULDERS?!” this bitch says to any dickhead in sight.
No one knows why dudes are so keen to put bitches on their shoulders but up they go, iPhone in hand, taking selfies for the Insta, videos for Snapchat, wearing a crop top and booty shorts with dirty sneakers that knock you in the face and make you want to violently push them off. Even worse if you’re situated just under a bitch’s ass. They’re attention-seeking vision-obscurers who are literally present at any gig or festival you have/have not/will attend. You cannot escape bitches on shoulders. – Arianna
2. THE DICKHEAD WITH NO SHIRT
“Wow this ridiculously giant warehouse is so hot even though we’re heading into a fucking cold winter. Man, I really don’t want my new $200 tank top that shows off my nipples and sideboob to get sweaty and ruined. May as well peel it off and effortlessly tuck it into the back pocket of my G-Star jeans bro. Phew, luckily today was arm day at the gym. SO LUCKY. Better top it off by taking the sunglasses off my backwards cap and putting them on because the lights on stage are really really bright, just like the sun. Fist pumping will help cool me down though. No bloody wozzas.” – Arianna
3. THE ALMOST COUPLE THAT DIDN’T HOOK UP BUT REALLY WANTED TO
This killed us. Between the passed out 19-year-olds and the dickhead with no shirt was an almost couple that didn’t end up hooking up but really really wanted to. They engaged in some wholesome no-touching dancing and were smiling at each other for quite some time. He inched closer towards her, leaned down to chat, and she even turned around so he could place his hands on her hips. No hand-hip-placing occurred though. His palms hovered awkwardly around her and he just couldn’t bring himself to make a move. COME ON MAN. She turned back around, Alison finished her set and the lights turned on. DEVO. Dude missed his chance. They were both disappointed. It was over. So painful to watch. – Arianna
4. PHOTO PROTECTORS
Despite the embarrassing amount of absolute flogs present at this event, there was some hope in humanity restored when battling sweaty messes in the mosh, I was privy to an unsolicited amount of respect and gallantry. Apparently owning a DSLR has that effect on people as multiple fans rallied around me, protecting me and my shots from the harmful sweat flecks and flailing limbs of those no longer on a human level. One particular couple stood out with their words of encouragement, queries on my settings/flash and their protective elbows of steel on either side of me – fucking legends! Several other punters informed me of their protective duties after the fact, for which I am sincerely grateful for. Although I was uninclined to accept these offers, I also must thank the generosity of several male crowd members who seemed to think it was imperative for me to get elevated shots from their shoulder tops – thanks but no thanks buds! No kudos go out to the annoying fan who was insistent on taking a photo of him and “his boys” – LB
5. PASSED OUT 19-YEAR-OLDS
Ahhhh, we all remember the beginnings of our youthful debauchery with the nostalgic taste of bile on our tongues. What a wonderful world it was, the day we began our healthily regular, unhealthy relationships with alcohol, tobacco and illicit substances. A few years down the track and I’m pretty sure we’ve all managed (mostly) to moderate ourselves so that we rarely pass out/puke/end up in strange circumstances/unfamiliar territory without meaning to. Suffice to say that arriving at 10:30pm, there were already several ambulances treating the “illest cunts out” outside the Port Melbourne venue. Streams of vomit cascading from slack-jaw mouths and gutter bound shivering wrecks were apparent before, during and after this rowdy party. You can’t help but think Alison would have been proud of these individuals, if only for the fact that they too would have been necking spirits – only without the hefty tolerance of their party master. Skinny-limbed teenagers held each other as they came down, wide eyed lads begged for gum and water and it all felt a little bit bittersweet – LB
6. ETHAN, THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD
I love seeing people who are just out of their mind happy. Don’t even care whether this is chemically stimulated or not. On the other side of the Passed Out 19-Year Olds, there are those who have managed to mix their concoction of serotonin inducing happiness to the perfect time, amount and combination. Ethan, a fellow “normal” dancing next to us had struck this balance and was thus blissfully unaware of the absolute debauchery around us.
I can still see his face etched into my mind. It was basically this emoji:
7. THE PEOPLE NO UBERS WOULD ACCEPT
Following the event, it seemed impossible to gain access to everybody’s favourite San Franciscan invention – Uber. Cabs were flying around left, right and centre as people forced party bus doors and cried onto their friends’ shoulders about how cold it was/their various tepid relationships. After exiting the perimeter of the event and distancing myself enough, I too attempted to secure myself a spot in some randoms car to get myself home from the desolate Port Melbourne black spot I was currently stuck in. Needless to say, I was soon gutter bound for reasons other than the aforementioned 19 year olds as I refreshed my Uber app ceaselessly and waited for an absolution which seemed never to come. After a laborious 20 minute gutter troll of my camera, I finally gained the approval of Raj, who picked me up in under ten minutes. Upon entrance into the vehicle, it became evident that Raj had been avoiding the area indefinitely after the trauma of dropping a couple of gacked kids there at 7pm. No five star rating for you guys! – LB
8. THE PEOPLE STEALING UBERS FROM FELLOW PUNTERS
NOT COOL GUYS. Can we establish a rule right now? Do you know how Uber’s work? The person who books it pays for it automatically through their phone at the end of the trip. Technology, right? SO DON’T JUMP INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S UBER. – Jane
9. THE COUPLE STRADDLING ON THE SIDEWALK
Can you not? When it was all over, the crowd spilled out of the warehouse and onto the street. This couple went even further and landed in straddle position on the sidewalk… in the gutter. UGH. She was on top and they were rocking back and forth, grinding their pelvises together. When he pushed forward, she flung her head back and he nuzzled into her neck. The sounds. The horror. They were on a terrifying see-saw that just never ended! Leave your sex fantasies at home or anywhere else that isn’t the fucking gutter. – Arianna
10. THE CREW CHANTING “PUT YOUR FUCKING PINGERS UP!”
Don’t even ask….. We don’t know.
Hometown: Sydney, Australia
Latest LP: Run, released March 2015
Sounds Like: Bangerz. Things you got down to at 18 (not always a bad thing, aiight!)
Say What? Alison has previously told us that she is an avid whale watcher and loves to engage in the hobby whenever she has time off. Also her given name isn’t Alison – it’s Alex!